Maybe you were one of those tiny girls who giggled and flitted through jr. high, loving every unstable minute of the drama that is puberty. I was not. As a child I was outgoing, happy-go-lucky and generally uninhibited. As a pre-adolescent, I was gigantic (5 foot 3 and 125 lbs is massive for an eleven year old) and clumsy. I wished I could either shine as the life of the party or fade into oblivion. I rarely enjoyed either luxury. Ages ten to fourteen were painful years I've mostly managed to block from my memory.
Why, then, am I drudging them up? This past week I had an opportunity to re-visit jr. high with the maturity (no laughing, please) and wisdom age is supposed to bring. Michael and I were able to enjoy a minister's and spouses staff retreat. It was an actual retreat with a beautiful hotel room, meals out and the chance to play with our church staff, instead of the normal working "vacation/retreats" most churches like to host :). The challenge hit when we moved into the fun activities portion of the retreat. The first activity was go carts on a slick track, which was really fun...even for an anal driver like me. After that, we headed over to a great driving range located on the edge of a man made lake. The holes were on islands adrift in the lake, which is pretty darn cool, if you ask me. I love watching the guys hit a few golf balls. The weather was beautiful, the conversation stimulating, until someone happened to remember I was there and decided we ALL needed to hit a few balls. All of the sudden I found myself in jr high again. I had never even held a stupid golf club before...unless you call a mini golf putter a club--I don't. I painfully managed to swing a few times. I missed the ball more than I hit but eventually plopped a couple in the brink about 50 yards in front of us. With great relief, I handed the club off to someone else. For the final activity of the day, we ended up in a bowling alley and the torture that is jr high continued. I had only "bowled" one game about ten years ago (it wasn't pretty). Once again, I had no idea what type of equipment to use, how to hold it, etc. Seriously people, I do know how to do some things that involve active participation. I can skate (both ice and roller), ride horses, mini-golf, ski and hike to name a few.
I definitely handled the whole situation and feelings that accompany being that awkward and obvious much better than I did when I was eleven. It's nice to know I've managed to mature some through the years. This brief relapse gave pause for introspection that evening. It all comes back to security and trust. Can I rest in God's love? Is His love good enough, or do I have to be talented, smart and witty too? It's a good lesson for me. After all, isn't trust about following Him even if you look (or feel) awkward, scared and inadequate through the process? I seemed to hear His words break through. "Do you truly love Me more than these...?"
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I can totally relate! Thanks for sharing :-)
ReplyDeleteYou handled it all with such grace and beauty--a true sign of your confidence in knowing who you are in HIM. Appreciate your transparency -- Love you Kiley!
ReplyDeleteWelcome to my world. I feel awkward and inadequate most of the time. You were just fine and never showed you were feeling this way. I was impressed you gave something new a try. Love you, My Awkward Buddy.
ReplyDeleteIt's so funny how differently I remember you in Junior High. You were the beautiful, poised, mature girl with the beautiful voice. I so wanted to be just like you!
ReplyDeletePerhaps clumsiness could be considered a spiritual sort of gift. The gift of forever being humbled by our own actions. For some, pride goes before a fall. For others, it's just our own two feet.
Thanks, everyone for the comments. I think we all have those moments and phases when we feel really awkward. Somehow it helps to know you aren't alone.
ReplyDeleteDebbie- I love reading your comments. You always have such great and encouraging things to say.
Des-I love and appreciate you so much! I've always been really glad you and Ryan joined the team. You are such an encouraging person and I love visiting with you.
Jer-It's funny to hear you say you struggle with the inadequacy thing too. I don't know that I've ever known someone who steps out of their comfort zone to learn to do things that are needed and ends up doing them all as capably as you do. I guess it's the perfectionist tendencies we share. I love and appreciate you too :).
Robin!--I haven't had the chance to chat with you for waaay too many years. I love that you married Ken, by the way. He's such a great guy and the two of you are a wonderful fit. When I found out you had gotten married, I just had to laugh. With you being from two totally different times and areas in my life I never thought about you even meeting, but it's really quite perfect!
I'm glad to know I didn't come across as awkwardly as I felt in Jr High. I don't mind being aware of my shortcomings if it helps others feel more at ease. I just need to make sure I don't let either awkwardness or trying to avoid it keep me from focussing on other people rather than myself :).